Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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