sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
