Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
