I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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