im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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