If that was your dad, he is hot
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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