i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i dont even know how to be here
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
