Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
