Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
