He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
