Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
