my being single is dangerous.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
