just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
