I'm gonna have a badass scar
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize