I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
