I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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