i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
