even my farts smell like vagina
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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