Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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