New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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