Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
