i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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