see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
