It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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