It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
