She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize