It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
