The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
