ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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