I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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