her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
