It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
