I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I deserve this hangover.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
