Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
