went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
