Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
