I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
