My girlfriend figured out who you are.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
