So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
