i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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