my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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