i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
