It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
