So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
