you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
