Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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