I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
