I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
