Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
