I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
