i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
