guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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