my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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