i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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