She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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