I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
