well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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