This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
