he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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