I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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