pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
