Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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