Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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