My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
