If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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