I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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