saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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